Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Unknowingly Blaming God

This week has been very stressful for me. My BP went up to as high as 140/100. I felt my heart pumping hard. Many times I wake up early in the morning because I felt my heart was pumping real hard. This episode went on for about a week. Went to see my doctor and she did an ECG on me because through her stethoscope, she felt my heart was skipping. She requested for an immediate ECG. There I was lying on the clinic bed believing God for a good result. My doctor couldn't believe what she was seeing, the printed result says my heart was normal! She said, I must be stressed.

Yesterday, my wife and I went to a drugstore at 3 am to buy the medicine prescribed for me. I couldn't sleep because my BP rose to 140/100. Nowadays, my normal is 130/90. I need to lower that to 120/80 says my doctor. So she prescribed a beta blocker to help me do that. Back to my sleep, finally I was able to sleep at around 4 am after taking the medicine we bought. Woke up at 8 because we need to attend a wedding where I am one of the sponsor. I wish I can sleep more.

This afternoon at church, we attended our daily  fasting and prayer in preparation for the New Beginning which will start on Yum Kippur, on October 8. This is a bit theological and I won't be able to explain it at this time. We had a time of repentance, allowing God to search our hearts for issues that hinder our relationship with Him. You see, in my mind, I know I have asked forgiveness for all sins I have committed as far as my memory allows me to remember. I was seating next to my wife, I covered my face with my hands to start my prayer. Almost suddenly, The Lord caused me to remember that I have something against Him. What? Me having a grudge against God? No, not me.
I knew it. He caused me to remember how I was blaming everyone on what happened when I was removed from the payroll of our church in order to save its finances due to decreasing membership and rising operating cost. I happily accepted that decision at that time and went on to look for a new job to sustain my financial needs. Almost two years have passed since then. Many times when we have trials, we tend to look for ways to understand why this was happening. We, however, end up asking more questions than answers. Many times, I blame people, the system and I also tried to compare myself with my co-pastors. In my mind, I was saying: If I was still working in church, I don't need to rush to office everyday. I can have time to exercise and therefore I would have avoid stress and as a result have a very good BP.

As I was musing on these thoughts, I began telling God that its was really His fault! I was angry with Him but because He is God, I know I couldn't do that to Him. So I began to look for people to blame. While this was going on in my mind, I began to sob. Isn't it true that we are the ones normally asking God for forgiveness? This time, I found myself the one forgiving God. Unbeknown to me, I was putting the blame on others for my situation, but it was really God whom I was blaming. In His mercy, He caused me to see that too. But you know what? I can see Him smiling at me and telling me that He understands what I was going through and that He wasn't mad at me. He allowed my anger to come out as part of my healing. I shed tears but there was more mucus coming out of my nose than tears. God was so funny because now my clogged nose have been cleared!

I know I was released today. God's issue with me have been settled. I have peace in my heart that He loves me and He understands me. He is my Father!

God is not through with me yet. He is preparing me for a BIG blessing. I can't wait. For the meantime, I want to move on with God. He is a loving Father to me and you.

Unstoppable. That's the name God gave me. He's telling me that this is just the beginning of a new and wonderful life for me. I am not giving up on God. I am unstoppable.


Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/purpleslog/3244332524/sizes/s/in/photostream/

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